I barely ate or slept much in that first week and had to be
reminded that I needed to stay healthy for the baby. The only thing that consumed my thoughts were Shawn and
being there for him. I did force
myself to eat bananas and drink milk because that is all I could stomach and I
knew was nutrious. Kathy, Karen
and I were spending 12+ hours a day at the hospital and only leaving to sleep
at a nearby hotel, that I ended calling my home for 5 weeks. It would be 5 weeks before I would
return home and face the memories and emotions that went with returning to the
home that Shawn and I shared. The
day that I packed up at the hotel and drove the 50 minutes home I thought I
would be fine and felt prepared for how I would do once I go home. I pulled the car into the garage and
just broke down. I am not sure how
long I sat sitting in the garage but it was quite awhile and both the kids were
so supportive and just sat in the car with me until I went inside. I felt okay once I got inside and
started unpacking my things from the hotel. I thought if I just walked around the house and dealt with being there right away I could be strong
again. The first thing I did was
go downstairs, which was “our space”where we watched TV together and the back
door leading to the hot tub, which we used every night. The first thing I saw was Shawn’s shoes
sitting by the back door and I started crying again. For most of the night I lied in my bed and just cried
because I just didn’t know how I was going to do this without him by my side in
this house. It was our house and
filled with so much love and so many memories. I went around our bedroom smelling his pillow and his
clothes trying desperately to remember how he smelled and felt. This was not the first time or last
time that our post accident memories would consume me. I still have moments where
our loss overwhelms me but I have just learned to cope with it better. Luckily we were able to move from that
house and start to make new memories in a new house. I don’t very often think about the “what if’s” anymore
because I need to be strong for Shawn.
I would never want him to think that I don’t love him just as much and always
want him to know that I am so
happy to have him in my life, that way or this way. I do wonder what kind of father he would have
been had this not happened and I used to think about what we would have been
doing if the accident would never had happened. Shawn and I did everything together and barely were ever
apart. I couldn’t fall asleep when
he wasn’t lying next to me and on football Sundays I would wait up for him just
so that I could fall asleep with him close. It was going to be almost 6 months before I would ever be
able to lie beside him and even longer before I was able to sleep beside him. So as much as this was all happening to Shawn and I,
the kids were having to deal with the loss of not only their father being
around but also their mother. I
was living at the hotel and my mom was taking care of the kids and had moved
into our house for the time being.
I was only seeing the kids for brief amounts of time when my mom would
bring them to the hospital or on the weekends they would stay the night at the hotel
with me. The first time our
daughter would see Shawn, in ICU, she almost fainted at his beside. It was not from seeing anything bloody but from seeing the
man she loved so dearly lying in a hospital bed hooked up to many
machines. Our son on the other
hand took several weeks before he could see him. I am not sure if it was fear or denial but he just didn’t
want to see him that way so I gave him the time and space he needed and
eventually he came around and spent many hours at his bedside. Our daughter was a natural at looking
after Shawn. She took a special
interest in helping keep him “looking good” when he was in the coma and she
would cut his fingernails and toe nails, brush his teeth, comb his hair, put
lotion on his face, hands and feet and even learned how to suction his
trach. I think this was her way of
coping and she was so loving and so amazing that I always thought that the
medical profession was her calling.
Those kids had to deal with more then any child should have to deal with
and it definitely changed them as people.
They were only 12 and 9 when the accident happened.
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